Peter's Reviews

i have this [Five Stars]

“I named him Pierogi he watches out for cops when I take a piss in the woods
Sometimes Pierogi protects me from bad robbers when I run around in town at night
Garmpa says the good thing about an eagle is he doesn’t kick you in the ass
Grampa is smart he says Dendo be a good boy and don’t go to the old bowling alley with the bad kids
He says if

So. Dendo’s on my Amazon again. He’s running around in the yard right now with this thing, screaming this word over and over again. Sounds like he’s saying “submarine.” It’s hard to tell what this kid’s saying sometimes, he just gets so excited that he starts saying words out of order. Then he thinks it’s funny and he starts laughing so everything just comes out wrong.

I found Dendo when he was just a baby. He was toddlin’ it up in the quarry one day and I took him home with me. He had a big box of Ritz Bits and some Capri Sun and he seemed to be having a pretty good time, but I couldn’t just leave him there. I took him to the police station the next morning and they said there were no reports of baby escapes in town. They did that thing they do sometimes when you bring money to the cops where if nobody claims it in a week they just let you have it.

Dendo seems to really like this eagle. He takes it everywhere, he says it protects him when our dog Mayo isn’t around. At night he wraps it up in a paper towel and tells it stories about his life in the future.”

http://www.amazon.com/review/R22NLTGUKIL57W/ref=cm_cr_pr_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000E7S4B6&linkCode=&nodeID=&tag=

“Good For Scaring The Hell Out of Jerks” [Four Stars]

“So I was driving with my grandpa the other day and he flicked his cigar butt out the window and into the car next to us. Lady started freaking out and pulled over, so we pulled over too to get the cigar back. She was perfectly fine but got super focused on how bad it could have gone. I told her “no harm, no foul. Can we have the cigar please?” then this GIGANTIC Polish bodybuilder looking dude climbs out of the car and starts staring us down like “I am gonna beat you up!” and then I remembered I had the Dead On Annihilator under my car seat. I worked at a baseball stadium for 20 years, I’ve been in a few knuckle brawls. I never forget the value of having some scary looking thing to make em think twice about trading lefts n’ rights with you. So, I pull it out and start swinging it around like a ninja and then he beat the hell out of me and I needed surgery. Oh well, the Annihilator is pretty good for cracking open almonds from my hospital bed. Every morning there’s a row of almonds on my window sill, my cousin Dendo goes to school down the street and I think he’s sneaking out of class again.”

http://www.amazon.com/review/R3KHOHE0TOVCSY/ref=cm_cr_pr_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B001SEQH1I&nodeID=&tag=&linkCode=

“the lady at hebrew school gave me it” [Four Stars]

“she says that I cant even come back to school until i write a report on this book but i would actually rather dance instead
i am the best dancer at my school all the girls want to marry me and live in our own house but i’m definitely keeping MayonnaAse because he protects me from ET and the bad guys that used to chase granbdpa in V AT NOM which was a war a long long time ago
i am gonna play bee hunter where my dang helmet”

http://www.amazon.com/review/R2QYZX4EG9C4U8/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=093314931X&nodeID=&tag=&linkCode=

“Never Thought To Buy Chicken Online” [Five Stars]

“Chicken is my cousin Dendo’s favorite, every time he goes to the dentist we have a tradition that we go to the KFC next door. We get him a big ol’ bucket of extra crispy, he calls it tucky bucky. Well, somebody burned the KFC down so now we’re on our own when it comes to chicken. Fear not, chicken lovers. Now you can get your chicken meat on www.Amazon.com! What a wonderful world we live in. I just fry this stuff up in bacon fat and put it in a bucket and Dendo can’t even tell the difference. Here’s a good recipe we made.

“Dendo’s Home Made Tucky Bucky”
1 part Valley Fresh chicken
1 part pork gravy
stir frantically for 30 minutes and let sit in a dark room for a few hours
Deep fry in bacon fat until crispy or burned

Happy cookin!”

http://www.amazon.com/review/R4UD9I5CWUAP7/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm

“ok serious question - Peter it sounds like you have an awesome grandpa! My husband has been asking for one of these - did you really buy one and what is the quality like? His uncle has one, and i believe his parents got it for him - i am not asking them where they got it lol.

Please let me know if its worth the money. Thanks dude.”

i stole jeep commando [4 Stars]

“i stole jeep commando from Walder cause i made a trap
i drove it behind the shovel store in town
he will never find it there
i am so happy that i have jeep commando power wheel car i will never have to walk to school again
Cousin Peter says we can upgrade it with the motor from his cool old big motorcycle that broke last year because walder put a ducky egg inside the part where the gasolene is and you would not god damn believe how bad the kitchen smells
Crazy Grandpa says the kitchen will smell that way probably forever

i found this knife in the glove box and it’s exactly the same as the one Cousin Peter had because this one is it
i am gonna tell on walder and his dad is going to be super duper angry but oh yeah i stole the car walder will tell on me too
better be smart and just keep them both”

http://www.amazon.com/review/R2Q8J1YYTIA0IS/ref=cm_cr_pr_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B0042WKTD0&nodeID=&tag=&linkCode=

http://www.amazon.com/review/R3N2G8G3HAK0KA/ref=cm_cr_pr_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0863883397&nodeID=&tag=&linkCode=#wasThisHelpful


Helped My Cousin a Lot [Four Stars]

 ”Dendo’s a real good kid, but he has his issues just like the rest of us. Recently he whacked a kid at his school with a hammer and now he’s playing this stupid game where he wraps himself up in his futon and jumps out the window. He calls it the burrito game. His therapist said it’s probably a phase. Anyway, until that phase over we’ve got to be careful. We got him this book and chained his futon to his dresser. This book has helped him a lot, it used to be that whenever he thought about ET he’d throw up but that almost never happens anymore, which is fantastic progress. Today he drew himself. He told me he’d never play the burrito game again if I’d post his drawings on Amazon, so check out the customer photos if you want.” 

In Customer Photos:

http://www.amazon.com/review/RQPYM9DIHYS95/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0962344729&nodeID=&tag=&linkCode=

Good For Lookin At When You’re Takin’ a Crap [Four stars]

“Pretty friggen good. I like to bring this into the bathroom with me to look through when I’m on the can. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the book that I forget all space and time outside of my bathroom exists. I just gaze into the complexity of each of Giger’s works like nothing else matters. It’s like I’m right there in the world he has imagined. Last time my grandpa started bangin on the door and he was like “I gotta take a piss in there, ya jerk!” and I didn’t even hear him. I was in there so long the design on our Sesame Street toilet seat got imprinted onto my rear side and I didn’t even know it was there until the girls down at the cat house pointed it out to me. Super embarrassing. My little cousin found this and now he has nightmares about robot worms and stuff like that so he always wants to sleep in my bed and I’m like ‘no way Jose, you’re gonna pee in it.’ “

 Good Book [Four Stars]

“I’m in charge of my little tiny cousin. He slammed a kid in his class on the head with the janitor’s hammer last week and the teacher thought this book would be good for him. She also asked Ronny to carry one of those rubber toy hammers instead for the time being, just in case. Anyway, the kid pushed Dendo into a pile of mud and called him the K word. Dendo pretty much exploded at this point and chased him all the way to the bridge outside of town with a ball peen hammer. Bam, right in the head. He didn’t hit him THAT hard, but I mean, a hammer is a hammer even if a little kid is holding it. So yeah, Dendo has been reading this book to keep him from doing it again, even though Dendo said Georgio is the biggest bully jerk in the whole school and he was totally asking for it.”

http://www.amazon.com/review/R3R74NBC4MBECH/ref=cm_cr_pr_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B00069XBY2&nodeID=&tag=&linkCode=